~Maybe It's Not About You, It's About Your Kids~

Good Morning,

I think I am coming out of my fog a bit today. I feel like this week was a bit of a blur. We had every darn intention of decorating the tree Monday night but with all that went on with our Quie girl our evening quickly was rearranged for us. The kids have asked me a couple times when we are going to decorate and all I can say to them is, decorating our tree is a happy occasion, a fun memory...Are you full of fun & happy this week? I surely am not. So needless to say I think we will try to decorate our tree this Sunday. It's been up for a week with just the lights on it and nothing else, I guess it's time to make one of my favorite things to do for the kids a good memory and try not to be consumed with sadness for my little potbelly girl. My oh my did that little princess have a potbelly when I brought her home. The first night at the house she laid right on my pillow, she was so tiny and sweet and full of puppy breath. She didn't wimper for her momma like they all said she would cause she knew she had a new one, a human one. She was my little sidekick while I lived in Ohio without my hubby. I truly am gonna miss that little snausage girl.

 

Have a great Thursday, thank you for all the kind words regarding Kahlua!

 

 

via pinterest

 

 

 

~Finding The Right Words~

Ughh....really, is it morning already? I didn't sleep, I didn't sleep at all my body tells me. My thoughts were with my Kahlua girl. Was she in pain? Did she wonder why I didn't do more for her....yep, not a good night. So as I start my day and feel my feet hit the floor I take a deep breath to face my kids puffy crying faces. I can do this my mind tells me, you are their Mom, you are the one to make them know all will be okay. So I did just that I put my Mom game face on and go wake them up. I know they are like me they would like to stay in bed and shut the world out today, unfortunately that isn't an option.

Good Morning kiddos! So sorry for yesterday, it was a bad day. I don't know how many more times they are comforted by hearing me say it was a bad day, probably no comfort at all. I suck at being a good Mom some days and finding the right words. I need a do over button way more days then I would ever care to admit. My mind says stop pretending your strong when Lord knows you are not. Stop pretending the sight of her pink blanket didn't already bring you to tears. Tell them what really wants to come out of your mouth which is let's go back to bed, not pretend all is well in the world today, let's not put on fake smiles, let's not hide the Kleenex box when people come around, let's dim the lights and just be what we are...........sad!

 

Then comes reality, I can't miss work today and they really shouldn't miss school so we will all go about our day doing exactly what my mind says I shouldn't......faking smiles.

~Today...Monday, You Suck~

Mondays are good for me. I am off work and I usually get to get caught up on my house cleaning, laundry, editing pictures, or anything I can't seem to get done during my work days. I woke up with a happy little smile on my face knowing I could check some things off my never ending to do list.

But then, more quickly than I ever imagine....life happens, it isn't always what you are expecting, "life has many twists and turns", as my sweet Dad says. My daughter got off the bus today excited about guitar lessons tonight and little did we both know she would not be going. Our sweet little

Jack Russel Kahlua had a seizure, a long one, a scary to witness one. We got through it and I scrambled to call our vet although Kahlua has never had one so I wasn't to sure what they would do for her. Once I got through they said not to much we can do, blood work if you want to bring her in tomorrow. So we held her and watched her and over about a half hour she seemed to be coming back to herself. Then my son got off the bus and I broke the news to him that we were still watching her to see if she was going to be okay, however just as I was feeling like she would be fine she ran straight into the wall and started up with a really bad seizure again. We put her in my daughter's blanket and drove much faster than I should of as my poor daughter held her dog in the car as she had seizure after seizure. Needless to say it's been a long evening and our Kahlua went to be with our Mastiff Babar and our other Jack Russel Claude around 5:45 tonight.

Today, like so many people around me, I am given constant daily reminders of how short life can be.  Our "Quie girl" as we called her was here with me all day completely fine and now she lays in a box in the ground where my hubby came home from work and buried her. My heart feels ripped out today. I held her during her first seizure today and told her she would be okay, yes I told her she would be perfectly okay. And with those words coming out of my mouth so many times as she violently shook, all I really did was let her down. I let her down in the worst way. And as we waited in the car at the emergency vet, I gained enough courage to look my children in the eyes and say our girl is not going to be okay. Life can truly suck some days and today it double sucks!

 

Godspeed sweet Quie girl...we love you and will miss your little potbelly!

 

~The Polar Express~

"Oh Joy", says my daughter. I just laugh. My kids hate Christmas pictures and the funny truth is, I don't really care! I adore them, I love planning them, I love all the sweet comments and those two turkey's are not going to take that away from me. It's my favorite time of the year for pictures. I love coming up with a fun new ideas for them and I love that I can get away with dressing them more vintage then they prefer (even more reason why my kids hate them I guess).  So, after much planning of outfits and hair do's and tracking down the perfect location, we set out for our shoot. The Polar Express is one of our favorite Christmas movies and although the idea in my head seemed much more grand, elaborate and breathtaking then what I was able to shoot, I think I might have our Christmas card this year.
Drum Roll please...............................................................................................................................

~Did The World Stop~

Do you ever feel like the world should stop for you? I so feel like this at times. I follow Ronan's Mommy's blog over at Rockstar Ronan and the amount of pain that comes from her words leaves me breathless, there are days when I feel as if the world needs to pause, take a moment, not be happy, cry, scream for Maya!! Just knowing there is a Mom out there with the amount of pain in her heart over the loss of a child makes me want to mourn with her. I have days that her words leave me feeling beyond quilty for being happy and having healthy children. I mean really, what makes me any better than her? Why would I get the glory of having my children here with me, to bless me everyday while she doesn't have her little man Ronan her with her to love on. She constantly has to struggle over the pain of questioning if she made the right choices in the end. No Mother anywhere should ever experience this amount of pain and not have the world shut down and morn with her. I know it seems crazy, however I have these feelings when I see someone hurting. It just seems so unfair that the rest of the world goes on with their happy life while someone out there is in an incrediable amount of pain. We recently had a friend of ours pass and at the funeral I looked at his young son, his daughter and beautiful wife who were hurting more than words could ever justify and I thought how sad that we are going to walk out of here and go back to our happy little life all while there family has so much to deal with ahead of them. Life is full of things I question daily, this is one of them. Have a blessed, beautiful Thursday! Go be an example my sweet friends

<3

Jen


P.S. SORRY I HAVE BEEN MIA FOR A BIT